I’m the girl that stops to take pictures of flowers and the setting sun, freaking out about the sky turning pink. I’m the one you’ll much rather find moon gazing on a Friday night than in a smoky club. I love windowsills and rooftops, I want to hear about your visions and I’m interested in the dreams you had when you were a child. Talk to me about your fears and that what makes your heart skip a beat. You know, I wonder what you think about when you can’t sleep at 4 am. For the longest time I thought I need to hide certain aspects of myself in order to fit in. Too emotional. Too sensitive, too deep. Too fragile. Continue reading
It is Valentine’s Day and I want to take this opportunity to write about a very important topic: Self Love. I am partnering with CLUSE for their campaign “Time To Love Me” to share my thoughts on this subject with you and give you some tips that help me to be more gentle and kind to myself.
“You are your most important relationship.”
Self love is absolutely vital – especially when we talk about relationships. I believe that we are meant to be in partnership. “Belonging” is essential for our health and well being and we all have a deeply engraved desire to connect. But you cannot truly love anyone until you know how to love yourself. We cannot give what we do not have. It always starts with YOU. If you want deep intimate relationships in your life – and I mean true intimacy, not just physically being with someone – you need to show the people you care about who you really are. And for that vulnerability you need to truly know and accept yourself.
I don’t even know where to start. But I started, so I guess that is a good thing?
I’ve been struggling. In December my uncle died and it really hit me. Not just the pain of losing a loved one but also the things that came with it, stuff from the past that was brought to the surface, the images at the funeral, my grannies pain, the recurring feeling of loss that seems to be a major motif in my life. Since then I’ve been in a downwards spiral up until 2 weeks ago, when I felt like hitting rock bottom. I really forced myself to change a few things, I reorganized my apartment (which helped so much!), had amazing support from my family and focused on good habits. So I was doing better for a few days, flew to L.A., had one of the most beautiful weekends of my life – and I really mean that -, came back home and had a successful model job in Hamburg. The following weeks look great, my bestie Melina is coming on Friday, I am excited to finish my uni essays, attend a few events and work.
But yesterday marked a new low point of my depression. I have been dealing with mental health issues for years now. I know why. And sometimes I manage my life beautifully in spite of it.
The idea is to basically live forever, to die young but as late as we can 💫 Love stories beginning in the middle of the night, like a sudden storm, flooding our empty souls. Hurricanes in our minds. Wild lilies in our hearts. Kissing with fever, sweat on our skin. Writing novels about the miracles you let me see. Not afraid of scars. Not scared to fall. Sometimes we shine brighter than the sun. Some days I collapse in your lap and you break into questions and fears. Yet the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
A night, so dark, it changed everything. Forever dawn in my heart. Trust, letting you be my guard. A day that taught me breathing. Oceans waving in my bloodstream. Feelings much realer than they seem. Your eyes giving me freedom. A second too much being vulnerable in your touch. Growing strong from your respect, a kind of respect I never had. Touched, and by all the things you said. We make light together, being light forever. Distilling these moments and getting drunk on our love.
Too much of a good thing can be really fucking great.
Too much faith, faith feeling like home. Cause your presence holds me smoothly, let’s me breath, gives me reason and sleep tight. Too much I see you, I believe in you and you in my light. Too much trust, trust that doesn’t count, doesn’t need, doesn’t demand. Trust not in you, not in me, but in us and in what we will be. Too much respect, that no backtalk respect, when ‘of course’ is the only answer left, too much no-question-yes. Too much dream come true and never expected wonder. Too much magic, too much pull. Too much night, touch, kiss. Too much that I had missed. Too much happy and sparkle when I sing your songs, too much I’m yours and that is where I belong. Too much free and flying, higher, too high. Too much collecting moments, too much living dreams and dying pain. Too much treasure in your heart, too much appreciation for your art, too much never going to be apart. Too much forever and never too much you. ☄
I love all your shadows and the light we create when we are so light, light and energy flowing through you, through me and the scars, burned into my flesh, the loss, sharp like the edges of a knife, heal, when I fly, fly with you, forgiving myself, feeling your touch like hope, silent promises calming my wild soul, golden heart hidden behind demon words and dark eyes, dark like new moon, forever free like the stars that shine even brighter in those dark nights, stars in the deepest corners of your mind, your mind like a piece of art, craving and chasing and surprising me every time like a falling star, falling for you and me just wanting to drown in your appreciation, in the way you capture my eyes, my heart, in the way you save me with your kiss, pure, honest, real, no words, just love.
Life wrapping arms around my soul, feeling everything so deep is giving me wings, flying higher, breaking free, seeing clear, releasing fear- still able to breathe, not running away, still on my way, love getting under my skin, into my bloodstream or where it’s really coming from because realizing it was myself all this time, me and what I feel not what you feel or they do or say cause how do I even know and it was all just the way, the way I feel and breathe and love and sing and create and it was my strength and faith and trust. But trust in me, in what I can be and what I always was, always will be. How I always thought I need a you, like a someone, somebody holding my hand, guiding my soul, telling me rules, teaching me life. Always searching for this you – but in a you, in you I found me. And there was never anything more I needed, all it took was in me and I succeeded. Cause if I let anyone in, close, without the right goals, with wrong aims and false claims then I break myself cause I don’t trust myself, don’t hear that voice, don’t listen, don’t fight for my freedom. But hell yes, I know now, I now see. Freedom kicking in, forgiving what I’ve done, evolving into what I’ve become, releasing guilt and them and all yous cause to really be a you for you or them is being me, not you, loving me first, then you, trusting me always and forever more than you. It is spreading my wings not admiring yours, it is kissing my scars before touching your stars and knowing that wherever I went wrong this year and all the years before was exactly right, cause just right now I can feel me, yes the real me, so totally free.
Breathing in your presence, colliding, drowning, searching our names in the sky, touching your stars and you under my skin. I should know better don’t I. Can’t rely on my heart to beat it cause it’s yours now, or has been all this time. Your high intoxicates me, your smile cracks me, falling in your lows and in love with every dimension of you, with the hurricanes of your mind, the beauty of your soul. All these forevers my heart screams when I loose myself in your universe, pretending time didn’t pass, pretending I’m awake in my dreams and still asleep in your arms. Still trying to put into words what a gift you and every second was, what it means to have found you, and me in you and my weakness in your strength. How I thought you made me weak when it was you who made me see my wings and fly. I understand the silence between your words and you read my most inner secrets, capturing every moment, getting drunk on you, escaping from the real world, further down on that high, letting imagination be my fuel. Nothing was as heavy as your absence but how I know now it was me that was lost, how I know I will forever have you close, wherever you are and whoever you choose to be, I’m forever drifting in and out of you. Every breath, every pulse, every thought.
The idea is to basically live forever, to die young but as late as we can.
Love stories beginning in the middle of the night, like a sudden storm, flooding our empty souls.
Hurricanes in our minds. Wild lilies in our hearts. Kissing with fever, sweat on our skin. Writing novels about the miracles you let me see. Not afraid of scars. Not afraid to fall. Sometimes we shine brighter than the sun. Some days I collapse in your lap and you break into questions and fears. Yet the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.