Untethering | I guess this is a life update

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Hey beautiful souls ♥︎

It has been quiet on here for the last weeks because I was so in the midst of something that I could hardly find words to describe what was going on but at the same time I could not focus which made it impossible to simply write about any of the other topics I have in the pipeline to share with you. I felt just really lost and somewhat stuck.

And after weeks of fighting it and trying to find answers and explanations I finally was able to surrender to the process, to fully embrace the transformation that is taking place. It was ugly, it was messy. Sleepless nights, attempts to numb the troubling emotions, physical symptoms of extreme burn out,… even suicidal thoughts creeped back in.

Right now everything is shifting and I am experiencing a massive breakthrough. So much is starting to make sense! And not just on a mind level, not because I can explain it rationally, but deeper: on a soul level I see veils lifting and an infinite amount of beautiful divine light is shining in. There is so much energy within me – I feel so vast, so free, so full, so huge. I experienced states like this before, glimpses of this immense power and light – but this is a new level…

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The Broken Foot Story & Some Things I’m Learning Right Now

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I woke up this morning. Exhausted. More tired than I find myself at night. A burning headache. Under eye circles and puffy cheeks.

I woke up. Went to pee. Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Back in my bedroom I closed the curtain. I can’t stand the light coming in. It’s the first grey day. I’m not complaining though. February has been so sunny. Unusually sunny.

Getting up with the sun has been so beautiful. It shines right into my bedroom when it rises, painting the walls bright orange for a bit. And when it sets my whole living room is illuminated. I cannot even describe how happy that made me, it was my solace for these last weeks that I spent at home. But the 7 day weather forecast swapped little suns with clouds and now it’s grey and gloomy again.

So a little over two weeks ago I broke my foot. I fell on stairs. Landed on my foot with a bang. And then it hurt. But I neglected the severity of the injury at first. You know, sometimes you trip, turn your ankle and it freaking hurts for about 10 min but then the pain fades. I was convinced it’s gonna fade. But it didn’t. And suddenly I couldn’t walk. Continue reading

Isolation

It’s raining and I’m sitting by the open balcony window. I’m wearing long jeans and my feet are cold. I somehow like this weather. It fits how I feel inside right now. And I like the sound of raindrops hitting the windows and the roof of my apartment. But hey it’s August! This summer has been so weird. Colder. So much rain. Rarely seen a clear blue sky. I crave summer nights, those nights you dream of on grey winter days, nights spend in shorts and shirt, strolling through the streets, sharing stories and laughs. And I crave someone to share them with.

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The Struggle

I don’t even know where to start. But I started, so I guess that is a good thing?

I’ve been struggling. In December my uncle died and it really hit me. Not just the pain of losing a loved one but also the things that came with it, stuff from the past that was brought to the surface, the images at the funeral, my grannies pain, the recurring feeling of loss that seems to be a major motif in my life. Since then I’ve been in a downwards spiral up until 2 weeks ago, when I felt like hitting rock bottom. I really forced myself to change a few things, I reorganized my apartment (which helped so much!), had amazing support from my family and focused on good habits. So I was doing better for a few days, flew to L.A., had one of the most beautiful weekends of my life – and I really mean that -, came back home and had a successful model job in Hamburg. The following weeks look great, my bestie Melina is coming on Friday, I am excited to finish my uni essays, attend a few events and work.

But yesterday marked a new low point of my depression. I have been dealing with mental health issues for years now. I know why. And sometimes I manage my life beautifully in spite of it.

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