Hey beautiful souls ♥︎
It has been quiet on here for the last weeks because I was so in the midst of something that I could hardly find words to describe what was going on but at the same time I could not focus which made it impossible to simply write about any of the other topics I have in the pipeline to share with you. I felt just really lost and somewhat stuck.
And after weeks of fighting it and trying to find answers and explanations I finally was able to surrender to the process, to fully embrace the transformation that is taking place. It was ugly, it was messy. Sleepless nights, attempts to numb the troubling emotions, physical symptoms of extreme burn out,… even suicidal thoughts creeped back in.
Right now everything is shifting and I am experiencing a massive breakthrough. So much is starting to make sense! And not just on a mind level, not because I can explain it rationally, but deeper: on a soul level I see veils lifting and an infinite amount of beautiful divine light is shining in. There is so much energy within me – I feel so vast, so free, so full, so huge. I experienced states like this before, glimpses of this immense power and light – but this is a new level…
It became even more apparent to me on Sunday night, when I met up with a close friend and started sharing all these things that I am understanding and feeling right now. Like a waterfall I started talking; and seeing his reaction, not just to what I said but also just simply on the energy I was radiating, made it all even more real for me.
I now feel this strong urge to try and capture all this in words because even though it might sound confusing or weird to some of you reading this – I am damn sure that it will also reach those that might need this as much as a warm hug from a really good friend. That reassuring smile and a “you are right where you need to be”…
Ultimately that is my core mission. I love sharing my vegan recipes, health routines, tips and favourite products with you – but more than anything I aim to reach a hand out to those that are struggling in one way or another, give guidance for your awakening process by sharing my story in the most raw and honest way possible and shed light on truths we turn our eyes away from as a society. What excites me more than anything is to explore and understand what we truly are and what we are here for. What this human experience is all about.
I wish I could simply turn my current state into a box that you could step into to experience it as well; because it is so huge, so much bigger than words would be able to carry. But for now this medium has to do the job:
So I went through a(nother) period of pain, darkness and despair since February. Although I was extremely accepting of my situation at first (broken foot, canceled Africa trip, unable to leave the house for weeks,…) it definitely caused turmoil within me and the forced isolation affected me negatively as well.
I want to mention here, that through my own experience and by reading / listening to every bit of research on depression I could find to shine light on this topic from every possible angle, I got to understand that mental health is way more complex than we even understand or make it out to be. There are so many different forms of depression and even more causes and contributing factors. Personally, I can definitely pin point certain painful / traumatic experiences in my childhood and adolescence that caused me to tumble early on – but then there are also things like prenatal stress, use of medication and vaccines when I was younger, gut health, hormonal imbalances, adrenal fatigue / burn out, heavy metal poisoning (especially after having the copper IUD = gynefix for the past 4 years), social life, lack of connection, etc. that are playing their role for my mental health issues. And then I also have a very spiritual view on all this after learning more about spiritual awakening (“dark night of the soul”) and understand the perspective of depression meaning “deep rest” that the soul is asking for…
That is why there is not a one-fits-all-solution or just one thing I can do / change / eat / take to cure it – but rather many screws I try to adjust.
But here is the thing I probably will never get tired of saying: this challenging and painful phase, IT HAPPENED FOR A REASON.
It always does. Because in order to grow spiritually we will sooner or later need to get in touch with all the stuff we carry with us – and that can be extremely uncomfortable. But what I am understanding for the first time right now is what it means to really let go in those times and how it actually sets us free. How we manage to go through something like this and let it become our greatest teacher. How we can move through the pain faster and more easily, let it purify us within and ultimately experience this beautiful healing that I can feel in every inch of my being right now.
Since embarking on this journey of self discovery and “awakening” (which by the way was never a clear plan or goal I had in mind – I guess this urge to dig deeper was always sleeping within me and grateful for great religion classes in school or those rare deep and meaningful conversations you sometimes get share with soulmates, but it all got sparked when I went vegan four years ago, because for the first time I really started questioning certain concepts we agree on as a society and that opened a portal for me, inviting me to dive deeper and peel off layer by layer to get closer to Truth…) I was able to uncover and breakthrough many mental barriers and dissolve lots of social conditioning.
When we grow up we build a structure based on the experiences we have, the things we are told and taught. This structure starts building our psyche, our personality and essentially the lenses through which we perceive reality. We have a deep need for security and comfort. And this structure seems like a safe house we make our home.
When we experience pain of any kind, feel disappointed, hurt, let down, abandoned, ashamed etc. this pain gets stored within. And this is true for all of us: We are all wounded in certain ways. Some more serious, others only slightly.
This pain becomes part of our structure, walls of the house we live in and then we start living our life accordingly. We spent our days in the rooms that we like. We decorate them with paintings, nice lamps and co (= beautiful memories, people we feel good with, traits we identify with, job titles, etc.). And then there are rooms in our house that we try to avoid at all cost (= painful memories, uncomfortable conversations, etc.). Keeping our house tidy and comfortable is a full time job. And don’t anyone dare to open any of the “pain” doors – we build even more walls in order to protect those.
Sometimes things happen in life that are like a water damage in our house. They seem like a horrible disaster but in truth they are like a gift from life – a big chance to break free. But it’s up to us whether we seize it or remain stuck.
We have two options: 1) We clean up and paint over the walls, put in new furniture, carpets and co in order to make our home comfortable again – but underneath the house will slowly rot away. Or 2) we destroy everything and realise that we do not need the house at all.
Because what the inner walls actually do is blocking our connection to our higher self, to Source, to God. To this infinite energy, unconditional love and true joy. It’s in there within all of us. But we think (and are told by the media) we will find it somewhere outside of us: in things we buy, in people we meet, in places we travel to,…We keep searching and searching – but in truth we are only running further away from it.
Breaking through all those walls is what sets us free. But in order to do so we need the courage to go into every room of the house and also overcome our need for stability and comfort. Letting go of our safe warm house seems incredible frightening and like a bad idea so we hold on to it and protect it.
Right now I am finally really understanding that when something gets stirred up within me, a trigger point gets hit and old pain arises I simply need to relax and let it go.
What I used to do instead was trying to understand and explain it in order to make it less painful (because that is what the mind loves to do). But in reality I was only holding on to it and blocking the way to this pure infinite energy I was able to experience at times, those micro-moments of clarity I sometimes had after meditation, soul conversations or certain books I read…
But I could not keep it, I could not make it last.
By letting life unfold in front of us and sitting in the seat of watching awareness no matter what happens we can understand that every experience is just an experience. It’s us humans that put labels on everything in order to make sense of the world. We can live life without judgement or expectations and without the fear of being hurt. But we label fear and discomfort as negative, as something to avoid – without realising that we are hurting even more by doing so.
It was when I stopped fighting and fully embraced what was happening – without the need to be able to explain everything – I was able to get out on the other side. And this time I am NOT trying to set up a new structure to hold onto or redecorate my house to create a false sense of security.I am willing and damn excited to let life take me to all remaining rooms and tear down every wall.
True growth happens when we go beyond our limitations and dare to push through the initial discomfort. That is how life becomes our teacher. When we just let it happen, when we let it hit against our walls and open the doors to even the most painful corners of our heart. You all know how this feels like – heat rises up within the body, we feel a tightness in the chest – our heart is literally closing up and we feel this strong urge to get out of the situation or defend ourselves. But when we stop resisting when a trigger pointgets hit but let the stored energy get purified, that is how we heal. Anything that creates barriers is actually blocking us from experiencing real freedom. And by avoiding the discomfort or trying to stop life from challenging us, we only move further and further away. The only way out is through. We might be able to temporarily achieve a feeling of happiness by achieving something special or using anything to distract us (people, drugs, foods, work, traveling, sports, entertainment,…) – but it is not sustainable, never unconditional, never from deep within.
When you feel stuck or lost don’t fight it. Don’t run away from your pain. Let go of your need for security and comfort. Right now is a damn intense time on planet earth. I feel like (and read from different sources) that many people are awakening and going through transformations at an accelerated speed and so lots of things are shaken up. However this might look like for you and as painful or frightening it might seem – trust that this is happening FOR you.
Everyone of us is experiencing their own version of reality. Imagine a cinema with 7.6 billion halls. Each one of us is sitting in their own movie. If I would decide to visit a friend’s room I would recognise the people in his movie – but it would be different from my own version. Even “Jil” would be a different character than who I see in my movie.
When we live our daily life we are usually not aware of this. We perceive our reality and assume that whoever we are interacting with us is experiencing it in the same way. But they have their own filters, their own unique perception. We all see life through our individual lenses.
With whatever transformation is happening within me right now and the more I go beyond the mind I start to be able to switch lenses.
Depression for me seems to darken and blur my lense. It takes the color and light away, leaving my world dark and frightening. Everything becomes heavy and it’s indescribably hard to find strength, motivation, purpose – even though my “personality” is super ambitious, driven and optimistic. But when I am stuck in on of these phases I wake up in the morning and extreme sadness rolls over me, even just getting up feels impossible. I feel weak, exhausted, tired of trying.
To come back to my house analogy: the way I understand this now, is that I am stuck in my house that seemingly gives me shelter and comfort, the light bulbs are about to go out and I don’t have any new ones left. But I stay inside the house because it is the only thing I can hold on to – not realising that life is basically begging me to fully let go.
NOW I see that it is in tearing down the walls and leaving the house behind that I can step outside in the beaming sun of infinite love and light. Part of the structure of my house are also all the painful experiences that I had. They have become walls within and no matter how much I tried to bring light INTO the house, decorate it with good moments, with beautiful memories and thoughts – being inside simply drains every bit of good energy sooner or later. By trying to explain and understand every aspect of my story and my psyche I was holding on to it so much, manifesting the pain over and over again in my physical reality. And the attempts to brighten and ease my life experience was only burning me out even more.
I know feel like I can stand at the edge of the darkness, I can see it, I know how it feels like, but I can choose to not be swallowed by it. I can take the dark toned glasses off and see clearly. I can watch my emotions without identifying with them. I can watch my mind spitting out all these thoughts without taking them as truths.
And by taking this step back and fully opening up to what is happening in each very moment I now feel like I am getting access to a whole new world inside. That is what I mean by saying I feel vast. Honestly I feel as broad as the ocean at times these days.
“You are not a drop in the ocean. You are the entire ocean in a drop.” – Rumi
I feel so connected to everything around me because I am willing to break through my walls and I am not putting up new barriers out of a need for protection or by making assumptions about other people’s intentions. I am breaking free.
It made click within and from watching this process happening over the last 1 or 2 weeks I can feel that it is a lasting change, a profound transformation. Suddenly I can reach all this energy within me. I stepped out of the darkness inside and into full light. I have this power to pour my heart into beautiful different projects, can give so much more to the people around me and work about three times as much as usually without getting stressed. I feel so much love and appreciation for everything and everyone around me – and whenever I feel a negative thought creeping in I can immediately distance myself from it and let it pass through me. Same for uncomfortable situations or conversations: I do not defend myself, I do no seek shelter, I do not hide. I let my highly sensitive being be. I let my sensitive walls be touched. I am letting go of concepts and stories I still carry with me and open up completely to be a vessel of Love, to devote myself to Life. I am the universe experiencing itself. I am.