I woke up this morning. Exhausted. More tired than I find myself at night. A burning headache. Under eye circles and puffy cheeks.
I woke up. Went to pee. Brushed my teeth. Washed my face. Back in my bedroom I closed the curtain. I can’t stand the light coming in. It’s the first grey day. I’m not complaining though. February has been so sunny. Unusually sunny.
Getting up with the sun has been so beautiful. It shines right into my bedroom when it rises, painting the walls bright orange for a bit. And when it sets my whole living room is illuminated. I cannot even describe how happy that made me, it was my solace for these last weeks that I spent at home. But the 7 day weather forecast swapped little suns with clouds and now it’s grey and gloomy again.
So a little over two weeks ago I broke my foot. I fell on stairs. Landed on my foot with a bang. And then it hurt. But I neglected the severity of the injury at first. You know, sometimes you trip, turn your ankle and it freaking hurts for about 10 min but then the pain fades. I was convinced it’s gonna fade. But it didn’t. And suddenly I couldn’t walk.
Sometimes I wonder where I take the strength from in moments like this… How I am capable of functioning so well in extreme situations. So much better than usually.
So once I realised that the pain won’t just fade I had to make a plan. It was 8pm on a Thursday night and call time for my job on the next day was 6:30am. Means leaving house by 5:30. Cancelling was not an option, no – not at all. It was a big photoshoot. A magazine campaign my best friend was booked for as a photographer. A four-look-editorial with a text about me. Planned 2-3 months ago. I could have not just cancelled. Not because of me but because of Linda. I knew how important this was for her.
And somehow I managed to stay positive in this situation. I knew I would be able to do it somehow. My mom took me to the pharmacy where I bought a bandage, tape, ointment and painkillers – of which I took one right away. (Me, who stopped taking any medication years ago…). I told myself that I can do it. And somehow I did. Before the shoot on Friday I took another pain killer and taped the foot. I could tell something was severely wrong. It was swollen and started to turn blue. Every step hurt. So much. But I breathed through the pain. On my mind was a podcast episode I once listened to, maybe about a year ago. David Goggins on the Rich Roll Podcast. Look him up. He was my spirit animal for the day… (Yes I shake my own head writing this… Please take this as an example of what you should NOT do when you break your foot.)
Somehow I managed to take down Linda’s suitcase from the 5th floor, hop on a taxi to the train station, take a train to Hamburg and end up in Linda’s car.
A few hours laters we were done with all four looks. Luckily the stylist had picked flat shoes for three of the outfits and I was pretty impressed with my taping skills and how well the painkillers helped. (Still shaking my head!)
I took off my make up, called myself a taxi and went to the emergency. It took seven long hours until I left with a cast, crutches and a diagnosis: fracture and torn ligament. Six weeks minimum. At least my irresponsible behavior had not done any more damage and no surgery was necessary.
So since then I am at home. I left my apartment a few times for hospital and doctor visits and two days ago I went to the cinema with mom. That’s it. I had to cancel all plans for the days ahead: a yoga workshop, an event I was invited to and supposed to be a jury member at, a project I had organised for my friend, an interview, even therapy.
And then Kenya. Which took me days to accept. I’m not a quitter. And I would never place my needs above a trip like this. A charity project. I had put so much love and time into planning it. But I had to face to truth, it would be extremely reckless to travel with this injury. Not a fancy kind of reckless; totally irresponsible rather. And maybe it was my body’s way of saying: stop girl. You gotta take care of me first. I’m not ready for this.
(I had planned to fly to Mombasa, Kenya to spend 12 days there, volunteering at a school, bringing donations and gifts, visiting the families, spending time with the kids. A first project of many to come under the umbrella of my WE FOR US vision… And even though it was not supposed to happen just yet, I am so so excited for making this dream come true in the future.)
You know, I believe that everything happens for reason. There are no coincidences in life. And that gives me so much trust. Even in tough situations. Everything that happens is for my highest good. Always. This is the experience I need to make right now. And so I accepted it. Life’s not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be full!
I knew that this was meant to happen. I knew it will teach me things. And it does indeed. Lessons about communication. About accepting help. And asking for it. Through my upbringing and experiences all throughout childhood I really struggle with claiming space. I am afraid of being a burden for anyone so much and it still affects my relationship negatively. And my ability to let people in. I got used to taking care of my own stuff at a very young age. Of everything. But suddenly I couldn’t. Even the smallest things. Like grocery shopping. Or cleaning. Carrying the trash down… Living alone in the 5th floor doesn’t necessarily make it easier. So I’m learning to ask “Can you please…?” without feeling guilty. Sounds crazy huh?
I realised that I finally need to learn to receive. Giving is beautiful but there was an insane imbalance in my life. Not accepting help is also creating separation!
And another lesson I’m learning with this is to really appreciate my body. One moment and everything is different. I’m lucky that nothing worse happened when I slipped on the stairs. I’m lucky that my foot is healing and that soon, in a few weeks, I will be able to walk again.
But how often do we take our health for granted?
For me this is a huge reminder right now to really appreciate everything my body does for me without me even thinking about it. How many miracles it makes happen every minute, whether I am awake or asleep. And it reminds me that I need to seize the time I have and stop waiting. My mental health struggles stopped me from doing so many things I love or made me afraid to even start. For the longest time I was planning to pick up dance again because it is one of my biggest passion, something that makes me so incredibly happy. But instead of making it happen I waited – I cannot even tell you for what… For having less to do’s on the list? For feeling less anxious and more confident??
Maybe you have something that you have been meaning to do for a long time. Maybe a sport that you have always wanted to try out? Or a trip you long for heading on? Or a friend you finally wanted to catch up with? Moving to a new place? Changing your career? Life does not wait – all you have is now ♥︎
I’m also learning another lesson in non attachment. Not being attached to outcomes. To my plans. To ideas of how life should look like. But instead: trust. Trust that I am always where I most need to be.
So for the last two weeks I have been stuck at home. Alone, except for three visits and the few doctor drives. I really underestimated this injury at first. The amount of time it’s gonna take to heal. At first I was so sure I’m still gonna make it to Kenya. And I still did small tasks at home. But then one week in I realized that I even have to stop those. I had a stabbing pain in my heart and dysrhythmia. My legs swelled up like crazy, especially after moving to much. After another check up at the hospital I was advised to stay in bed and prop up the leg 24/7.
My body’s way of saying: Please take me seriously now.
For over a year now I have been suffering from all kinds of adrenal fatigue symptoms. Extreme insomnia, exhaustion, amenorrhea, pain – to name a few. Back in August I got diagnosed through tests. And not much has changed since. If anything it keeps getting worse. I haven’t gotten my period in over 14 months. There’s not one night that I have a normal restful sleep. And the hormonal imbalances caused by y adrenals burning out affect my overall health and well being drastically.
I have been doing so much research about this topic and learned a lot about possible causes and how it all is so connected. My infection as a newborn, several viral diseases throughout childhood and adolescence, medication and birth control, heavy metal toxicity, traumatic experiences I had and lots of stress…
It all makes sense. And I finally have to take it seriously.
I’m not gonna lie, I do struggle. Usually I am only isolated like this when I go through a phase of severe depression and anxiety. Only during my worst times I don’t leave the house for days. And especially since New Years I started saying yes more often. That was one of my resolutions. I said yes to business opportunities and meetings. To social stuff. Meeting new people. Casual dates with friends. Stuff that might sound so normal for most of you. But not for me. Not anymore. Or finally again.
Another resolution was my no cancel policy. And I did a pretty good job with both all throughout January and the first half of February.
And then one moment and everything is different. No social life. No yoga. No 10000 steps a day. No Alster walks. No juice dates. No events. No meetings. No Africa trip.
Right now it’s all about focus. All about having trust. My foot will heal. This is all temporary. And it is such a beautiful opportunity to grow. To be with myself. To face my health problems. To introspect. To research. To listen. Draw. Write. Read. Plan. Manifest. And fortunately I can do a lot of my work from home… A chance to work on myself even more. To observe my thoughts. To practice self love. To detach. To be.
And about perspective. Situations like this really make you humble. We use our minds to create these ideas of what life should look like. But the universe has it’s own plan and our task it to simply do our best.
I am so excited to rise from this again, to build myself back up. I know that this phase is so vital. This is part of my becoming. It is times like this that really made me grow in the past. It were my rock bottom moments that started my awakening. That cracked me open, again and again, so that I can shine my light further and further. I am right were I am supposed to be. We so often hear that phrase: You grow outside of your comfort zones. But it not just the discomfort we comfortably put in our planner – it’s times like these, situations we suddenly find ourselves, unexpected difficulties we have to face…
And guys? I am so grateful for the beautiful support I get from you. All the messages and comments, even letters and packages in the mail. You have no idea how much that means to me! ♥︎
Right now I am restructuring a few things work wise – can’t wait to tell you more. But for now: thanks for reading! Have a beautiful Sunday and a great start into the new week. Much love!!