I don’t even know where to start. But I started, so I guess that is a good thing?
I’ve been struggling. In December my uncle died and it really hit me. Not just the pain of losing a loved one but also the things that came with it, stuff from the past that was brought to the surface, the images at the funeral, my grannies pain, the recurring feeling of loss that seems to be a major motif in my life. Since then I’ve been in a downwards spiral up until 2 weeks ago, when I felt like hitting rock bottom. I really forced myself to change a few things, I reorganized my apartment (which helped so much!), had amazing support from my family and focused on good habits. So I was doing better for a few days, flew to L.A., had one of the most beautiful weekends of my life – and I really mean that -, came back home and had a successful model job in Hamburg. The following weeks look great, my bestie Melina is coming on Friday, I am excited to finish my uni essays, attend a few events and work.
But yesterday marked a new low point of my depression. I have been dealing with mental health issues for years now. I know why. And sometimes I manage my life beautifully in spite of it.
But then there are days like this (sometimes weeks) when darkness and fear hold me hostage. It’s not even the lack of motivation to do anything. And the frustration that comes with it about not being productive. Or this emptiness inside of me that nothing seems to lighten. Yesterday it was unbearable pain, inexplicable tears and a torturing feeling of helplessness. Reading a book? For what! Watching a movie? Nothing excites me, nothing is thrilling enough to distract my mind.(Usually I can at least binge watch a series or get lost in a good movie. But even that feels pointless. Calling someone? I don’t want to annoy anyone or worse: bother anyone. I don’t want to be needy. I don’t want to admit how bad it is – again. I feel ashamed for it. And I know that everyone is dealing with their own shit anyways.
I just spent hours laying on my bed, crying, stuck with a racing mind. Even recalling beautiful memories, moments of happiness and freedom. Nothing seems strong enough. (Reminds me of the patronus charm haha. Maybe I just have to keep looking…?)
My thoughts? Well, everything. I think about Trump, about our world, about capitalism and consumerism. About how much my increasing awareness on all of these things is colliding with stuff I do and the powerlessness that comes with it. I get frustrated about social media, about the content that is created, about how we turn our heads away from what is truly important right now. But of course I get it. In times of terror people don’t want realism. In times of war we turn to fiction. To surrealism and abstract art in the past. – Ok that is a whole different topic so I’m gonna keep the rant for another blog post if you are interested???
I think about things I messed up, people I’ve hurt, chances I missed. All the things I would be doing if I could, how my life would look like without this. This monster in my head. My own mind that is destroying every flame of love and joy on days like this.
My mind is bombarding me with negative messages about myself, torturing me with painful thoughts and memories. And I have to fight it. With affirmations and mediation that I definitely have not been consistent enough with. I need to do these things daily. Need to strengthen my mind as much as I can. So that I am protected from these thoughts and fears and worries that are slowly killing me when I let them in. I know that they are not real. That truth really helps sometimes. Nothing of it is real, nothing can harm me. I created those thoughts. But then there are days like this when knowing that does not help anything but rather makes it worse. Because it amplifies the guilt.
I feel lonely, yet I avoid meeting people. I feel unloved but don’t let anyone close to me. Doing just the smallest things is exhausting. Sometimes just getting my laundry done, keeping my space clean and going to the post office are my great achievements for the day. I know that I’m not patient enough with myself. And never satisfied. But it is hard to know that I could be doing so much more. It is hard to live with all these ideas and visions but lacking the strength to actually bring them to life.
The worst part is to be stuck in this vicious cycle of horrible thoughts. It is so bad right now that I just want to turn of my mind. Just want to sleep. But I also don’t want to waste any more time of my life. I spent way to much time of my life fighting illness, depression and anxiety. I don’t wanna just “get through the day” or week, or month, or however long it’s gonna take this time. I want to experience. I want to create. I want to LIVE.
And that is the point I guess. Finding the beauty of life in these days as well. LIVING doesn’t mean to be happy 24/7. And sometimes I feel like only through these emotions we get to know ourselves better.
I definitely did not have an easy life so far – but easy does not force ourselves to truly look inside. Discomfort and pain gets us to dig deeper.
Fighting it takes so much of my strength, yet I know it is my only chance. Again and again. I might find better tools, might understand it better through conversations and books. Might get help and support on the way. But in the end it is always me. And how well I manage to live with it.
It is weird to write about it. Because at the same time I’m the girl who can just smile for hours. Who doesn’t need much. I am always happy to help others. I am incredible selfless. I get excited about the smallest things and I engraved gratitude in my existence. I love life. I love people, places, nature. I love beautiful things, art, music. I can get high on the simplest experiences or my own weird thoughts and theories.
I think I am just gonna publish this. I don’t want to make this the main part of my content, I don’t like being the girl that is always struggling. Yet at the same time it is part of my reality. And when this can help to make anyone out there feeling less alone or “weird” then it’s worth the soul striptease…
Please remember that this is just my personal experience, thoughts that I have right now. If you have any questions or anything you want me to elaborate on, please let me know down below. I think about just keep writing about it. I have been doing that on Instagram anyways and on here I have more space.
Thank you so much for reading!
I’m sending love,